PROOF EVERYTHING ONLINE IS TRUE

Aileen Wuornos Reading BookHow Do You Know If What You Read Online Is Legit? 

Come on! There’s no denying that everything you read, see, watch and hear on the Internet is true. You hear me? It’s all facts. Nasty rumors and deceit can’t be spit out across the Internet like the wild spread of “Black Death” in Europe. They just can’t put anything on the internet that isn’t true. Where did I hear that? The Internet.

But what about those whiny, impulsive, vitriolic tirades I see on the net, people publicly shaming one another? They aren’t, as one might think, just desperate attempts by lonely harpies to deceive others, to compensate for the love they didn’t receive from their parents—a wound that drives them to attempt to fill emptiness with the satisfaction of revenge. Certainly not.

In general, opinions are considered to be subjective. However, there is a special rule. Once written online, opinions become facts. Apart from the Internet providing this information, how in satan’s great garden of fire do we know this is true?

I have more proof!

That’s right. Take a look at the gallery below. I’ve assembled this rare collection of celebrities, historical and religious figures, animals, and more, all reading Wake the Wicked: Thirteen Twisted Tales, before it was even published. Take a look and read on.

But how is this proof? Couldn’t this be one of those fancy-schmancy hoaxes?

Well, most of the Greats above were dead long before “Wake the Wicked: Thirteen Twisted Tales” was written, edited, and published. True. So, I commissioned the most notorious time-traveling paparazzi I could find to journey back in time, track down each Great, and present them my book. Once they had it in their possession it was a waiting game with only two outcomes: they’d either start reading the book or chuck it to the curb.

Sometimes, as these brave paparazzi warriors later told me, they had to prowl for days in trees and bushes, inside bedroom closets and under musky basement stairs; they drank stale rain water and ate nothing but rat droppings, sock lint and acorns till they got “The Shot!”

And, as one can imagine, the book wasn’t everybody’s cup of poison-laced tea. I mean, did you see some of the photos above? Mommie Dearest, for example, was not impressed. I should have known. She’s way too sophisticated for such juvenile entertainment. I can’t wait to read the review though. I have a feeling it’ll be suffocated by ten-cent words and trite adverbs.  I better get the popcorn ready now before the fireworks start. My bad. On the other hand, Mickey Mouse and Morticia Addams appeared to “get it” right away.

See, there’s no denying that everything you read is wisdom from the gods. If the internet says it’s true, if trolls say it’s true, and the photos above show it’s true—it’s true. Gone aren’t the days of common sense and well researched knowledge. The Internet is one giant source of factual information.

April Fools!

Hope you had as many laughs checking out these hoaxes as I did making them.

Never forget: online gossip blazes like wildfire and Tu Stultus Es if you believe it’s all accurate.